Before I was pregnant, I suffered quite a lot of depression and anxiety. I got support from NHS Talking Therapies. I was on medication for two or three years, and then I came off that a year before I got pregnant, so I'd not been struggling for a while. But as soon as I got pregnant, it felt like I shifted back to that mentality I’d had before.
I had a massive fear of giving birth. I mentioned it in my first appointment with the midwife. They asked how I felt about the birth. Obviously, it was my first. And I said it feels like a nightmare. I feel terrified. I was finding it hard to even talk about the baby or the birth because of how triggered I felt. Then she suggested a referral to Navigo’s Perinatal Mental Health Service.
It was early on that I managed to get support. It was good to have access to support sooner, and we had enough time to build up coping skills.
Sometimes when I voiced how I was feeling, I was told: well, everyone feels like that. But for me it was so much deeper than that. I was sobbing, screaming, crying and being sick during some checks I’d needed. That's not a normal reaction and my partner supported me to talk about how I was feeling. Once I got support from the Perinatal team, it was being taken seriously. I really needed that extra support.
Dr Harding was really helpful. Before her help I was unable to have any conservations about a birth plan in any capacity – it was like a mental block. That was a massive milestone — even being able to address it sincerely. I don’t think there's anything that would have got me to that point where I would have felt OK giving birth. But the coping mechanisms she gave me were still really useful. It made me address things that I hadn't addressed, not necessarily just about this fear of giving birth.
It has helped me feel more confident drawing boundaries because when I was pregnant, everyone wants to talk about birth and tell you their birth story. That was a huge trigger for me. I didn't want to know. I used to go home and into a massive pit. Dr Harding taught me how to voice that I didn't want to do that and put those boundaries up, which I wouldn't have done before.
During a late scan, it turned out the baby was a 99th percentile baby, which then took me right back to the beginning almost, because I've been doing all of this work and then it was like — yeah, it's going to be a big one.
I think a big turning point was deciding to have a C-section. I just felt guilty, almost — like I'd let Dr Harding down, like I was doing it the cowards way. But she said making that decision is a massive thing and it's a brave thing. And it was that perspective shift. Before it was horrible. I was dreading it. But it changed my perspective. It's going to be a good day because it’s how I'm planning it and it’s shifted to where I'm going to get to meet my daughter.
I'd say in my day-to-day life, especially since having her, my mental health goes up and down. I'm always using the stuff that Dr Harding taught me to do. Everything I've had a concern about has been addressed. None of my friends have babies, so there was a lot that I didn’t know.
I didn’t know how to change a baby. I didn’t know how to make a bottle up. I didn’t know how to bath them.
Emma from the Perinatal team said, “Just tell me everything you want to know and we'll do all of it.” That was so helpful. I wouldn't have been able to function. I felt all my concerns were heard.
I did baby massage when she was freshly newborn. That was really good. I do the maternal journal, which is probably my favourite group, because it's once a week and it's just a time to relax and take time for me. And the team are amazing — when the babies are fussy, they offer help so you've got that time for yourself, which is rare.
It’s been nice meeting other mums. I enjoy the groups because you feel like you can all speak and there’s no judgment. If I'm having a down day and don't want to leave the house, knowing I'll get to see one of the mums I've bonded with gives me that push to attend the group.
At first, I felt like I didn’t want to be silly by accessing support. But not once have I felt like anyone isn't taking it seriously. What I’ve felt has all been recognised.
If you feel like this, what you are experiencing isn't silly and it isn't nothing.
Referrals to the specialist perinatal mental health team (for women registered with a GP in North East Lincolnshire) can only be accepted from a healthcare professional who is involved with the women’s care.
If you're a healthcare professional who would like to refer someone, please visit the Every Mum Matters website.
You can also request a referral to the perinatal mental health service through the 24/7 Single Point of Access. Call (01472) 256256 and select option 3.
