When I was asked to write about my recovery journey for Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I thought it would be easy. Instead, it has been a journey in itself, having to reflect on something that took over most of my teenage years and early adulthood.
I first developed anorexia at 14, a high achieving perfectionist who found comfort in the false sense of control that eating disorders promise. As the years went on, bouts of recovery and relapse became the norm.
At 18, my best friend suddenly died. It was a shock to everyone and a pain I couldn’t bear to face. Anorexia promised me comfort and distraction, and I fell deep into the trap again. Shortly after, I was admitted to Rharian Fields. Despite the support from staff, I was unfortunately not in a place to recover and left against medical advice.
In the years that followed, I built a life that on the surface looked full and successful. I moved away for university, formed meaningful friendships and experienced so much joy and freedom. From spontaneous dinners out to travelling with loved ones whenever I could, life felt full. I convinced myself I was fully recovered because I was functioning and achieving.
It was only when Covid hit and the world slowed down during the pandemic that I realised much of what I had built had also been a distraction. I had never truly healed the thoughts and behaviours that began at 14.
During lockdown, another relapse followed, but this time it felt different. I was no longer a teenager. I was an adult, with responsibilities, ambitions and a future I deeply cared about. I knew if I didn’t recover, I could lose it all, but the fear of letting go and stepping out my comfort zone was far too scary. However, with the support of my family, who continued to encourage me to seek help, I was referred back to Rharian Fields where I was offered 40 weeks of Enhanced Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT-E) therapy.
I had the privilege of undertaking this therapy with Mandy, a truly remarkable and talented therapist with a wealth of knowledge and experience. I genuinely owe my ability to recover to her relentless support and belief in me. Therapy was not straightforward. It was difficult, it was testing and there were many sessions where Mandy and I came to loggerheads. The sessions challenged my core beliefs that had shaped my identity for years. At times, I felt defensive, frustrated and ready to give up. But Mandy never gave up on me. She knew that my commitment to recovery was there, even when I struggled to see it myself. Slowly, I began to trust her more than I trusted my eating disorder.
The physical health consequences of an eating disorder are things you convince yourself will never happen to you, but they did. I am incredibly lucky that Mandy recognised I needed more intensive support and suggested a short admission to improve my physical health. Despite my initial reluctance, I now look back on that six-month admission with immense gratitude. I truly did not realise how much damage I was doing to my body.
The admission not only improved my physical health but was also very beneficial for my mental state. From Body Image Therapy with Hayley to Relapse Prevention with Jane, I tried to use my time wisely despite how difficult it was being away from home. I knew that, with the support of all the amazing staff at the unit, I could use it as an opportunity to challenge my long standing fears in a safe and supportive environment. Don’t get me wrong — there were definitely some difficult days and there were many tears, but I am so glad I persevered and engaged with the help, as it really allowed me to grow in ways I could not have imagined at the time.
It has now been several years since I completed treatment with Rharian Fields, and I have remained free from my eating disorder. Recovery has given me a life I once could not picture for myself. I have built a meaningful career in children’s mental health, progressed professionally, bought my first home and created a safe and happy life surrounded by people and things I love.
Recovery is uncomfortable – it is confusing, it hurts – but if you stick with it, it gives you your life back.
I am deeply grateful for my family, friends, and the professionals who – even when I lost hope – never stopped believing in me. I truly feel that the team at Rharian Fields, and particularly Mandy, were the catalyst for my recovery and for building a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
If I could leave any advice for anyone struggling with an eating disorder, it would be this: it does not matter whether it has been 10 years, 10 weeks or even 10 minutes, it is never too early to seek help. There will never be a perfect time to start recovery. Please choose to start anyway. It may be the most life changing decision you ever make.
To find out more about eating disorder support, visit our Rharian Fields pages.
If you need urgent help, our crisis support team is available 24/7 at (01472) 256256 (option 3). Or you can call NHS 111. Find out more on our I Need Help Now page.
