Supporting someone with depression or anxiety

According to the World Health Organisation, “mental health is not just the absence of mental disorder. It is defined as a state of wellbeing in which every individual realises his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her or his community.”

In a nutshell, our mental health is vital to our self-esteem, our physical wellbeing and our ability to function. It can be something that people feel uncomfortable to talk about, so it can feel a lonely place to be.

When we feel unable to cope with normal stressors or experience a significant life event, this can impact our mental wellbeing. In fact, one in four of us will experience a mental health issue at some point in our lives.

Everyone feels sad or down from time to time, but depression occurs when this is persistent for a number of weeks, months or years.

Depression is quite common and affects about one in ten of us at some point. It affects men and women, young and old. No two people’s experiences are the same but there are usually common features such as lack of motivation, sleep changes and being withdrawn.

A form of anxiety that almost every single one of us has experienced, and can relate to, is stress. Stress can be helpful to us. It can help motivate us to achieve things and get things done on a daily basis. However, it becomes unhelpful when we cannot shut down from the things that are making us stressed. It starts to become the centre of everything.

Anxiety can come in many forms, some you may have heard of include obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) or panic disorder (panic attacks). Generalised anxiety affects about one in 20 adults in Britain. Slightly more women are affected than men and the condition is most common in people in their twenties. Anti-depressants can also be prescribed to those with depression. Advice can be sought from a GP about this.

For anxiety, the recommended treatments are Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), group based CBT, Exposure Response Prevention (ERP) and Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR). Those feeling down, stressed or anxious may feel:

• sad
• worried
• frustrated
• scared
• lonely

As the person supporting them, this may leave you feeling:

• frustrated
• lonely
• worried
• sad
• fearful

Notice how similar they are. This can be good, but can also create confict when trying to communicate.

Those feeling down, stressed or anxious might change what they do and how they behave.

• Seeming like they don’t care about themselves
• Not wanting to go out anywhere
• Staying up late or sleeping a lot
• Eating more or less than normal
• Being snappy and irritable
• Not wanting to talk to people

As the person supporting them, you may react by acting in the below ways.

• Doing things for them
• Not wanting to be around them
• Fear leaving them alone
• Not asking them how they are doing
• Giving them lots of reassurance

Those feeling down, stressed or anxious may think that no one likes them, they can’t cope and they are no good to anyone. They might know that there is no evidence to suggest that these things are true but the negative thoughts take over. You may have noticed these changes in yourself.

When people experience mental health problems, the things they do, think and feel feed in to each other and become overwhelming.

When people feel overwhelmed by their symptoms they can do things that are helpful or unhelpful. An example might be drinking alcohol on a night to help them sleep, or not talking to people about how they feel.

This can feed in to the problem and make them feel worse, when their aim was to make them feel better.

Here are some helpful things you can do:

• When we see a loved one hurting, we naturally want to do things to make them feel better. Often these things can be very helpful
• Sometimes these things can be unhelpful for you or for the person you are caring for.
• Find out as much information on the symptoms your loved one is experiencing. There is lots of information available online, or ask practitioners if they recommend any books. Knowing how they feel will help you understand.
• Use your sense of humour to help you and the person you are helping.
• Try not to be afraid to mention things that are making them feel low or anxious. If you show you are not embarrassed about it, then it may encourage them to talk openly and honestly about how they feel.
• Plan time for yourself. Do things that you enjoy. If you are well, you are more helpful to the person you are supporting.
• Offer practical help to support them. For example, attending appointments or reminding them of them. Are they struggling with something really overwhelming such as financial difficulties? Set a time to sit with them and go through bills and payment plans.
• Keep a realistic outlook. Change is possible but it can take time.
• Encourage them to continue to use the advice they have been given.

It is also important to consider what you might be doing that is unhelpful. Usually these things are done with the best intentions but it is useful to recognise these things and look at changing them.

• Letting off steam and frustration. It is important to not damage the relationship and leave yourself feeling guilty afterwards. Make time for yourself or walk away when you feel the frustration building.
• To neglect our own friends, family and wellbeing to look after that person. Get some support yourself if you feel like this.
• Don’t encourage that they use harmful substances like drugs and alcohol.
• Constant reassurance. Imagine you have done something well, being told you’ve done a good job feels good. If you were to then constantly check that you’d done a good job, would it feel so good? Over-seeking or over-giving reassurance encourages doubt.
• Try not to give advice constantly. This could begin to feel like you are not listening and that you are nagging them.
• Try not to ‘fix everything’. Taking away all their responsibilities and choices will feed in to their vicious cycle and they will be less motivated and find it more difficult to solve their problems. If they see a professional, that doesn’t mean that you have failed. They just need help from someone outside the situation.

Things in moderation are good, but too much of anything is unhelpful.

A very common symptom of mental health problems can be thoughts that someone may be better off dead or hurting themselves in some way.

It can be very difficult to contemplate that someone you care about may be feeling this way. Sometimes people may be open about these thoughts. But, often fearing others responses, people can hide that they feel this way.

If you suspect that someone you care about may be having thoughts about ending their life you might notice warning signs, but you may not notice anything at all. Signs might be what they say — things like, “you are better off without me”, “I won’t be here any way”, or “you don’t need to worry about me any more.”

Other signs might be similar to depression symptoms as in withdrawing from others, not eating and sleeping more or less.Therefore, there may be no obvious signs.

If you can accept the idea that this is a common experience of a lot of people with mental health problems, then you may be able to talk openly with them about this.

If you are very worried about someone you care about then you can contact the Single Point of Access on (01472) 256256 (option 3) or use one of the other urgent contact methods on the Navigo website.