Loss and change

The process of coming to terms with any loss or change has many parallels with the grieving process, which is a natural and normal human response to a crisis or event.

When thinking about losses, perhaps loss by bereavement usually comes to mind, but other losses can evoke similar responses. Most major life changes involve a loss of some kind — even events that, on the surface, are happy events.

For example, the birth of a baby, although a happy event, brings with it many changes and perceived losses for a mother — usually a period of time away from work, perhaps a loss or change in social circle or a sense of a loss of competency. A more obvious change following a new arrival is loss of sleep.

Other types of loss and change that can take time to comes to term with are:

• Leaving the family home, or moving home
• Illness or loss of mobility
• Ageing or loss of looks
• Birth of a sibling
• Relationship breakdown or divorce
• First job, a new job or new responsibilities
• Death of a family member, friend or pet
• Starting or changing schools
• Life stages or identity
• Burglary or theft

The process of adapting to change and coping with loss can be seen as an unfamiliar journey. Our circumstances are no longer fixed and we find ourselves walking along a new pathway which can be strange and daunting.

Sometimes, once we have gained an understanding of what is happening to us and accepted that our feelings, although unpleasant, are normal, it can increase our confidence that we can cope and that we will come through this.

If different types of losses can give rise to similar emotions, and the road to recovery is seen as a journey, then it can be helpful to consider the commonalities in this journey — whether we are coming to terms with a relationship breakdown, leaving home or experiencing the sad loss of a family member.

Following a bereavement, loss or major life change we will, sometimes after an initial period of numbness, experience a range of natural emotions.

Although there is a general path through the process of change, it is important to say that people experience different feelings in different sequence and there may be repetitions along the way. For example, it is not a case of ticking off each stage and thinking, “that’s that bit done”, because the process can be influenced by other stressors or life events.

Unfortunately, the normal pressures of living do not let up whilst we are going through a period of change.

We have to allow ourselves to experience the distressing emotions in order to move forward through acceptance. We can then make sense of things like what this change means for us and how life will be different now.

If a number of people, such as a family, are experiencing the same loss, then this can make the situation more complex. If one person is feeling sad, and the person they try to get support from is feeling angry, it can be very difficult for either to support the other. This can be very unsettling for relationships, not only for those experiencing the loss but for those around them such as family, colleagues and friends.

An example of this was recounted by someone who became redundant from their job after a long time of service. Our work can be an important part of our identity and of how we see ourselves. If our employment comes to an end against our wishes, we can feel uprooted, insecure, uncertain, at a loss and ultimately feel out of control of what is happening in our lives.

This can lead to a knock on effect, where one loss or setback leads to another, setting off a whole sequence of events, rather like a row of dominoes; whilst all the dominoes are standing, all is well. Once one falls, they all fall.

The loss of a job can lead to money problems, which can affect relationships and from there the self-esteem and confidence is reduced. In such cases it will be important to gain the right support and break the problem down into pieces that can be tackled one at a time, rather than becoming totally overwhelmed by the number of changes to be addressed.

There may be many events that cause us distress throughout our lifetime, and these events will come and go.

Often it is what we focus on, how we think and what we do that will determine how long we remain distressed, upset or angry in response to the events.

When we experience a major life change or loss, it is natural to be sad, cry, and feel like withdrawing for a while. This is a normal response, and if we remain open, the feelings will change and become less intense over time. It is fine to feel these feelings and do what we need to do.

Some people refer to this as the ‘duvet days’, where you might just feel like pulling the covers up and hiding for a while.

What we need to be careful of though, is that we don’t stay in that emotional place and get into a vicious cycle. For example, following a relationship breakdown we may feel distressed and think, “I’m not very good company”. As a result, we may withdraw socially and feel even more lonely, consequently thinking no-one is bothered about us and so on.

At some point we need to make the decision to do something different and accept that life will be different. But we can still find ways to cope, learn from our difficulties and gain confidence that we can handle life’s setbacks.